And the anger continues...

[rockfotze]

I rarely cry. It's not that I'm some sort of hard-ass who can't cry, it's because I've over-emotional, and being the type to hate the feeling off sadness, I usually bottle it all up. In fact I tend not to show any sad sort of emotions, especially not publicly. But holy shiy, last night I had a bit of a breakdown. I somehow managed to stop myself from doing much more then shed a few tears but inside I was screaming and hurting so bad. Everyone thinks I've settled into Brisbane life nicely, which is true most of the time. But it's not easy, I had a dedicated group of friends in London, all we had was each other and we did everthing together. But here, I've come back and made friends with various groups of different people and I don't quite fit in. They all have their own lives, their own friends, and I just don't quite fit in right anywhere. Last night it dawned on me, how lonely I really am and it really fucking hurts. I used to be a loner, but now I'm not, and to feel this sort of loneliness is very scary. The idea of a Friday night at home alone terrifies me, I like to be out and about and having a ball. Being alone makes me wonder if anyone out there even cares. Anthony tried to console me, which sort of helped, up until I mentioned us going out tonight and he'd totally forgotten. And then I realised that no matter what I'm going to be struggling with this for a while to come, and that is the most terrifying thing I have ever had to face.

And now I'm off to get a very expensive hair cut and probably hang out with my mum, like usual.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_snitchbitch/]

:( oh no, I'm so sorry for not going out with you last night. I'd just had a really exhausting and bad day at work and needed to go home and sleep it off until I felt better.

It DOES sound like you need a particular group of friends, which is sort of another reason I was trying to organise the ladies poker night. I have a couple of different friends that don't actually hang out together at any time. My best friend is mine and mine alone (we don't go out with anyone else) and then there's really good friends like you and Cheryl. So I was hoping everyone wuold come on board and we can make it a regular thing.. and then we could do other things. But we could do it together, you know? So we'd have our own group to do things, but still have other friends to have fun with.

At the moment I hang out 20% with Kylie, 20% with George & his mates, 20% with you guys, 20% with work friends.. and the other 20% is me being home on my own. It would be great to mix them together a lot. I'm getting to be better friends with some of George's mates, so now I know that if no-one else is free I can call one of them and have a few drinks, you know? Like Ash, he's a top guy. They boys are having a poker night tonight, and if I wasn't going with you, I'd probably be over there with them (inviting you along) or I would be at home.

I think it's nice to have different friends, but i also think you're right - it is very, very nice to have a dedicated group of friends to do everything with.

[lexiphanic.com (from livejournal.com)]

I have to admit, and as corny as it sounds, I know how you feel.
And I've had those moments, too, where I become so suddenly and so keenly aware of how lonely I really feel now.
The insane part is feeling alone despite having all these friends around you.

You and I, as world travellers, have to work a little harder to adapt to each new environment we experience. And we have to come to terms with the fact that, to a certain degree, we do it to ourselves because we love it.

Or something like that.

Anyway, we can talk more soon.

[schwimmerin.livejournal.com]

I probably can't relate to you properly, as I've been a loner for most of my life, but every time I feel like I fit in somewhere, I realize that I actually don't. Every time I go out I just feel awkward, which is why I probably spend so much time at home alone, or with my parents.

Anyway, enough about me - I just wanted to say I can understand the fear of loneliness because it scares me a lot too. I hope you can find a fixed group of friends so you don't have to suffer from this anymore.

(Also, on an unrelated note, I feel like I've complimented you on your icon before, but I adore it. That's one of my favorite movies.)

[milli.livejournal.com]

I imagine it would be hard. :(

[necro-nerdo.livejournal.com]

Aw, I can get where you're coming from, it sucks to be the new person and having to...squeeze in with a group of people who are already friends, i hate doing that, i always feel like they dont really want/need me there, so most of the time i dont bother. i havent really settled here either, ive met a few people for lunch/shopping etc, but ive never really got on with anyone. and i feel like when i go back to plymouth that everyone has been away from me so long that they dont really care anymore.

oh, im not helping.

i hope you manage to find some decent friends like you had in london, and if i ever move to oz we can be bum chums, lol

[amaaanda.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. You've had this amazing life changing experience and all your stories and lessons learned are from a whole other place, and no one around you gets it.

I wish I could offer to hang out with you, but I'm on the other side of the world, so I can just pretend to be there in spirit.

[schonste.livejournal.com]

Hell, I know how you're feeling just from basically living back in Utah and in Massachusetts. Out here I live with the people I hang out with all the time, and there's usually some sort of party happening and it's great. When I'm back at home, all I can do is hang out with my mom and do a hell of a lot of nothing, because I have what, one, friend back home and the only thing we can do is drive around and waste gas and bum around Wal*Mart. D:

[raspberry-swyrl.livejournal.com]

Monica and I were just discussing tonight how hard it was to go back home after being away. It's hard trying to 'fit' in with your old friends, and I am beginning to realize I don't think I'm going to with some of them. Also I live in Winnipeg and everybody has gone in hibernation and playing ramoli.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_telecaster/]

I totally feel the same and I hope you'll soon gather a group of people around you whom you trust and who will have similar bonds between each other like your London friends and you won't feel left out or whatever, ever again =)

Late joiner early leaver but still...

[adrianadw.livejournal.com]

Strangest thing, I've had a couple of weeks on my lonesome own-some(not a bad thing) and have been looking through all our crazy photos thinking to myself; did that really happen. I miss it too...even the redback!

On a more cheerful note - I got an internship at a record label - no pay but the guys are awesome - not my kind of music but they run with all sides of the business even tv. Sadder note; I have no one to drink cheap bucks fizz with(unemployment blues)and celebrate this beauty - Wish you where here.

[janainfur.livejournal.com]

this probably doesn't help but.. i think there is a certain time span (like a life expectancy) for friendship, and all of a sudden people evolve, or move away physically or emotionally. i have no idea why that is so but i know that that exact thing has happened to me as well. at some point, you get used to it but that doesn't mean you have to accept it. it is probably a phase, and it will pass. plus, friday nights at home can be fun too *laugh* okay, i am kidding. ;)