And the anger continues...

[rockfotze]

I rarely cry. It's not that I'm some sort of hard-ass who can't cry, it's because I've over-emotional, and being the type to hate the feeling off sadness, I usually bottle it all up. In fact I tend not to show any sad sort of emotions, especially not publicly. But holy shiy, last night I had a bit of a breakdown. I somehow managed to stop myself from doing much more then shed a few tears but inside I was screaming and hurting so bad. Everyone thinks I've settled into Brisbane life nicely, which is true most of the time. But it's not easy, I had a dedicated group of friends in London, all we had was each other and we did everthing together. But here, I've come back and made friends with various groups of different people and I don't quite fit in. They all have their own lives, their own friends, and I just don't quite fit in right anywhere. Last night it dawned on me, how lonely I really am and it really fucking hurts. I used to be a loner, but now I'm not, and to feel this sort of loneliness is very scary. The idea of a Friday night at home alone terrifies me, I like to be out and about and having a ball. Being alone makes me wonder if anyone out there even cares. Anthony tried to console me, which sort of helped, up until I mentioned us going out tonight and he'd totally forgotten. And then I realised that no matter what I'm going to be struggling with this for a while to come, and that is the most terrifying thing I have ever had to face.

And now I'm off to get a very expensive hair cut and probably hang out with my mum, like usual.

Comments

[amaaanda.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. You've had this amazing life changing experience and all your stories and lessons learned are from a whole other place, and no one around you gets it.

I wish I could offer to hang out with you, but I'm on the other side of the world, so I can just pretend to be there in spirit.