Thursday, 31 March 2011

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OK so we all know about Rebecca Black and her unfortunate song Friday. I am actually of the opinion it’s not that bad, I mean it is pretty crap but it definitely is not the worst song someone has sung and posted on Youtube in all seriousness. In fact if she got a few singing lessons and wrote her own songs (I’m 100% sure a 13 year old could write better lyrics than the dick who wrote Friday) she wouldn’t be that bad.

So in defence of an innocent teenager who is the laughing stock of the enture internet, I would like to present to you all, the worst music videos on the internet as picked by me:

Treasure by Namata

This is, in my opinion, one of the greatest things to ever get uploaded to Youtube. It is so bad it’s AMAZING! The only bad thing about it, in my opinion, is how it can stay stuck in my head for days after listening to it just once. I really hope this guy gets a record deal one day. And that he never stops dancing like that because it is mesmerising.

Give It To Me by Madonna (feat Pharrell)

Bad songs and music videos aren’t just for the realm of the pathetic wannabe popstar, here we have a stunning example of how one of the most famous popstars of all times  paired with one of the best urban producers can get it so wrong. The song itself makes me want to scrape my ears off with a soup spoon, let alone the eye-raping video. Good lord Madonna, they’re called pants, try wearing them for a change now that you’re 50 years old.

No Way No Way by Vanilla

How about this little treasure from  the late 90s. Anything that samples Mah Nà Mah Nà that isn’t aimed specifically at kids has got to be bad and this is just about the worst. Actually, it’s been voted the worst music video a number of times. Check out those outfits… I was sure that sort of stuff went out of fashion in 1993 but clearly Essex is a good five years behind everything ever.

Je Suis Une Dolly by Dolly Rockers

Well I don’t even know where to begin with this little treasure, also a talentless British girl group. Sometimes Pommy accents make songs sound brilliant, but most of the time they make a song sound like complete arse. Uneducated, chavish arse. And look at how wacky they are, dancing on the tube! I find it amusing how 60% of the reaction shots are of people looking appalled, the rest of pervy men taking photos on their phones. Which incidently, appears to be how this clip was filmed. Oh and look, they actually got a budget and remade the same clip with a new song.

Party Like a Millionaire by The Millionaires

Want to know something really sad? Ke$ha wasn’t the first one who started trash-pop. Oh no, these young ladies were around before she got her big break with Tik Tok and before she ruined my eyes/eardrums with We R Who We R (seriously, that is not a song, it is autotune over the sound of a garbage truck with bad product placement scattered everywhere). I can’t even comprehend this song, I mean, what did their parents think when they heard the first line? As much as I hate Ke$ha, at least she keeps the tight-pussies and hard-dick lyrics to herself. Meanwhile, if you’d like to make yourself feel smart and extremely articulate, take a look at their Millionaires Dictionary video. Good god.

Bearforce1 by Bearforce1

OK so I’ve focused on the ladies way too much. How about something that is aimed so specifically at a certain target audience, it pretty much alienates about 99.9% of the entire world. I personally don’t think it’s that bad, in fact for a gay bear dance song, it’s probably the top of it’s game. Also, their pastel shirts and white pants are just adorable. But if you’re hoping to make your straight, male friends uncomfortable, this clip will do the trick.

Imma Be Rocking That Body by Black Eyed Peas

This clip just proves that no matter how much money you pour into a music video, the shittiness of the song still radiates through.  Seriously, can someone explain to me what the hell is going on here? And then try and explain how the Black Eyed Peas became this bad? I don’t even think it’s Fergie’s fault any more, they’re all responsible for turning the group so shit. Someone needs to confiscate their SFX mic and explain to them songs don’t need to change style 7 times to keep the youth of today interested.

Because I could probably keep adding to this list forever, I will leave it with this hilarious version of Friday. Gang Fight!

So if you’re one of those Rebecca Black haters, please just think about what Simon Cowell said about her and her song:

He advised Black not to “listen to anyone over the age of 18. I’m being deadly serious. Whatever she’s done has worked. Whether you like her or not, she’s the most talked-about artist in America right now. Nobody over the age of 18 should understand her or like her. So she should just do it her way.”

Bad music videos ain’t anything new, there are millions out there far worse than anything a 13 year old Californian girl could ever hope to create. Instead of hatin’, celebrate how she is just adding to the list of hilarious awful tings we will all reminisce about when we’re old folks.


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Cara Westworth
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